Penat.

Sekali lagi, aku terduduk. Aku terdiam. Tak tahu apa yang patut aku fikir, apa yang patut aku rasa.

Allah,
dugaan jenis apakah ini?
tak puas lagikah kau menghukum aku?

Aku rasa sangat, sangat penat.

Aku dah tak larat.

Kondisi semakin melarat.

Aku sangat, sangat penat.

Tenat.

new life.

8th June 2018.

Off day aku. I already have plans. Nak pergi dobi, nak pergi Klinik Kerajaan, nak pergi buat rambut. Then petang sikit aku nak pergi beli baju raya dengan Kesi dan Suraya. End up aku bangun lewat. So I decided to not to go to Klinik Kerajaan. Aku pergi mendobi. Then aku pergi lah kedai cermin mata. nak tukar lense cermin mata mahal sangat which obviously tengah bulan dan nak raya aku memang tak boleh afford. Then, aku pergi kedai gunting rambut. Nak alter sikit rambut aku. dia kata kalau dia buat nanti pendek sangat bla bla bla. so gagal jugak. Finally, aku beranikan diri masuk ke klinik An-Nisa'. Aku ambil ujian DASS beberapa hari lalu. Dan aku bawa result ujian tu ke klinik untuk dapatkan refer letter. Doktor menjalankan tugas nya sebagai doktor dan keluarkan refer letter. 

11th June 2018.

Aku split shift hari ni. Aku ada masa pukul 2 sampai 7 petang. So aku memang plan nak bawa refer letter tu ke HUKM. Sampai sahaja, Staff tu arrangekan aku appointment besoknya which -- aku kerja. Then, staff tu cakap, what if aku harm diri aku lagi. Then aku terus whatsapp staff aku dan manager aku dan arrange staff untuk besoknya. 

12th June 2018.

Selesai registration, aku tunggu sekejap, then nombor aku dipanggil ke bilik nombor 1. Dr. Nisa namanya. Jadi aku dan dia berborak. Bukan kosong. Aku rasa macam aku meluahkan semua pula kat dia. Sesi pertama tu kurang lebih satu jam setengah. 

"Symptom-symptom ni adalah symptom panic disorder" Sebaik sahaja aku cerita pasal heart palpitation, yang perihal aku beberapa kali tiba-tiba mula lari, tiba-tiba aku rasa cemas dalam keramaian orang. 

"Saya tanya soalan-soalan tadi untuk make sure apa yang awak lalui ni adalah pure depression sahaja atau bukan, Tapi symptom awak menunjukkan yang awak mempunya Bipolar Disorder type 2 yang mana lebih kepada kemurungan, walau bagaimana pun, episod emosi awak berubah dan kadang kadang awak terlebih -- hype." 

Aku --- Speechless.

Bermulalah fasa kebergantungan sama ubat anti depressant aku yang bernama Seroquel.

17th June 2018

Hari ni adalah hari ke-5. Dan semalam dalam sengaja atau tak, aku skip makan ubat. Sengaja aku skip sebab semalam adalah hari pertama aku kena naikkan dosage dua kali ganda. Aku takut kalau aku ambil ubat, aku tak boleh bangun. Aku nak pulang ke KL malam semalam. Risau aku.

Dan--- sebagai resultnya, aku terlelap dalam 10 minit di dalam bus, aku tak tidur sampai pukul 6.30 pagi padahal aku bekerja jam 10 pagi dan aku kena bangun pukul 8 pagi. 

Jam 1528 tadi, aku punya rasa serba tak kena bermula. aku mula panic. susah nak bernafas. Aku burping 3 4 kali. aku tak tahu nak buat apa. aku call bf banyak kali tak angkat. aku call manager aku, tak angkat. aku dah ke hulu ke hilir. it lasted for about 20 minutes. sebab aku lari pergi toilet dan muntahkan makanan aku. bila aku balik kedai, aku rasa nafas aku semakin teratur. itu pun lepas berpuluh kali buat cara pernafasan yang Dr Nisa ajar. Sesak dia rasa macam tak sampai oksigen. Tapak tangan basah, hujung jari semua sejuk. Sekarang 1630, aku rasa a bit better. 

Goodluck, girl. Goodluck.

I can't feel it anymore

I can't feel your love anymore.

Mata yang dulu penuh cahya cinta
Kenapa kabur?
Apa memang cahya itu semakin menghilang?
Atau mataku semakin membuta?

satu tahun

satu tahun.

masih sama.
i'm not getting better.

gunting masih menjadi senjata
lengan kebas.
hirisan di lengan tak menutup luka di hati
yang sentiasa berdarah

bila aku nak berhenti hiris
why can't i be happy, Oh Lord?

And then I realized...

Aku dengar lagu kat youtube while waiting for my trial Adobe Lightroom download. tetibe i dont how, lagu Ed Sheeran keluar. lagu Perfect. Aku selalu dengar lagu tu tapi aku tak focus sangat but then, just now I watched the MV and dengar lyrics betul betul. It's so sweet. Then tiba tiba I burst into tears.. I realized how much I miss someone sing me a love song. I miss someone makes me feel loved.. I dont know when was the last time I felt that, but yea, I really miss that kinda moment. And I realized how sad my life is. I am sad. I dont know how to happy again.. I always listen to sad songs. and I'm so tired of it. But it's okay. I'll sing them to myself. :)

I found a love for me
Darling just dive right in
And follow my lead
Well I found a girl beautiful and sweet 
I never knew you were the someone waiting for me
'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was
I will not give you up this time
But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own
And in your eyes you're holding mine

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight

Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know
She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home
I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets
To carry love, to carry children of our own
We are still kids, but we're so in love
Fighting against all odds
I know we'll be alright this time
Darling, just hold my hand
Be my girl, I'll be your man
I see my future in your eyes

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful
I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And she looks perfect
I don't deserve this
You look perfect tonight

#1: Symptom

Disebabkan aku tak tahu nak cerita kat siapa.. Now i know how's this so embarassing to tell someone about your symptoms of anxiety and depression. So I decided to post my symptoms in this blog. In case, anything happen to me. And, I'll post everytime I face the symptoms again.


1. Aku rasa aku bersalah. I told bf, aku masih tak boleh accept, the way he changed. Di awal perkenalan, he's so sweet. He posted my pictures, he called me sayang everytime, he put on emojis, a lot of emoji, but, Idk since when, he slowly change. So, tadi aku try post 1 of his pic on my IG, i tagged him. He replied my whatsapp and all. but he didnt even like the pic that i posted. So i decided to check, whether dia ada like other pic ke tak. and yeah, 26 mins ago, he liked few pics. and I posted the pic, 56mins ago. And so, I feel uneasy.. I feel like he's uncomfortable. Maybe he didnt want anyone to know or maybe he's hiding something but idk, i just feel uneasy. but it's okay. I told him, i'll delete the pic. aku bagitahu baik baik. Aku tak marah, aku sedih and a bit dissapointed je. but he told me aku fikir bukan bukan. he asked me what pic? tapi it's okay. I just want to let it all go. Aku nak lupakan perkara perkara sweet yang dia pernah buat untuk aku awal awal dulu. But then, he told me. "awak tak fikir ke org pun cuba untuk terima perubahan awak? awak lain dulu" and, you know, it's like, satu pisau cucuk dekat dada aku. terus suara heikal masuk. no. bukan suara. it's like i saw him in front of me, the exact position yang dia duduk, dan cara dia cakap," you've changed a lot" exactly macam situation yg aku lalui. and i feel like, ... aku rasa. aku yang bersalah.. i keep blaming myself. i keep blaming myself. heikal left me for another girl sebab aku berubah. and, izmal told me i've changed.. but why do i feel like, i changed because of his behaviour?

2. slowly aku menangis, i dont want to feel anxious, but i started biting my nails. jari kanan. jari telunjuk, dan jari tengah. my body's shivering. my mind started to feel serabut, i keep blaming myself, while biting my nails. i started to hate myself. then i tried, ye aku cuba. aku cuba untuk bertenang. aku buka blog ni, dan up satu post. yes, the one that i posted earlier. i was having my mental broke down. but, i keep crying and start to pull my hair.

3. aku masih gigit kuku, kali ni aku menangis, my body's still shivering, dan aku cakar lengan aku. tangan kiri. aku buka post yang Ummar meninggal. 12 March 2014 punya post, semakin hampir Ummar nak meninggal, i feel like my body terserap dalam momen tu, i can see Ummar's face, muka Ummar yang lemah, I can see Ummar trying to smile masa tiub2 masuk berselirat kat hujung di. aku menangis, dada aku makin sesak. Tiba tiba terselang seli dengan suara pertama Ummar dan mata Ummar. dada aku sesak sangat. I was running out if breath, end up, aku muntah. Aku pergi lari pergi toilet dan muntah semuanya.

4. Dada aku tak boleh calm, aku jalan kehulu ke hilir, aku duduk depan pintu bilik, masa tu, mind aku separa kosong, aku pergi tingkap, aku tengok luar, dada aku sesak, heartbeat aku laju.

5. Then aku minum air, aku pergi toilet, cuci muka, dan masuk bilik.

Now I feel a lil bit at calm. Cuma, nafas aku kadang masih tak teratur.

So thats all for today's mentak breakdown.

58/365: It was my fault

Aku tak tahan. This anxious feeling, the voices inside my head, the urge to harm myself, I can't handle it anymore. Every single day, aku bangun, aku kuat kan diri. aku bagitau diri aku, hari ni aku mesti happy. aku mesti happy. aku takmahu happy dari orang lain. aku mahu aku happy dengan cara aku sendiri. every single day.

and today.......

aku terfikir, tak. aku teringat. its like relatable dgn apa yang aku lalui. I remember you told me. "you've changed a lot" and then you left me for other girl. the pain is still there, heikal. the pain is still there. aku masih sakit. all this while, i thought it was your fault. all the way, aku salahkan kau. kau yang berubah hati. kau yang berubah. but today someone makes me realise.. aku yang berubah.. aku yang berubah.. aku yang berubah.. aku yang berubah.. it was my fault to put the blame on you. aku yang berubah.

aku yang bersalah. aku yang berubah sampai kau tinggalkan aku. tiga tahun aku hidup dalam perasaan ni. perasaan ego aku. aku nak hidup.. aku nak hidup..... tapi hati aku mati..