#1: Symptom

Disebabkan aku tak tahu nak cerita kat siapa.. Now i know how's this so embarassing to tell someone about your symptoms of anxiety and depression. So I decided to post my symptoms in this blog. In case, anything happen to me. And, I'll post everytime I face the symptoms again.


1. Aku rasa aku bersalah. I told bf, aku masih tak boleh accept, the way he changed. Di awal perkenalan, he's so sweet. He posted my pictures, he called me sayang everytime, he put on emojis, a lot of emoji, but, Idk since when, he slowly change. So, tadi aku try post 1 of his pic on my IG, i tagged him. He replied my whatsapp and all. but he didnt even like the pic that i posted. So i decided to check, whether dia ada like other pic ke tak. and yeah, 26 mins ago, he liked few pics. and I posted the pic, 56mins ago. And so, I feel uneasy.. I feel like he's uncomfortable. Maybe he didnt want anyone to know or maybe he's hiding something but idk, i just feel uneasy. but it's okay. I told him, i'll delete the pic. aku bagitahu baik baik. Aku tak marah, aku sedih and a bit dissapointed je. but he told me aku fikir bukan bukan. he asked me what pic? tapi it's okay. I just want to let it all go. Aku nak lupakan perkara perkara sweet yang dia pernah buat untuk aku awal awal dulu. But then, he told me. "awak tak fikir ke org pun cuba untuk terima perubahan awak? awak lain dulu" and, you know, it's like, satu pisau cucuk dekat dada aku. terus suara heikal masuk. no. bukan suara. it's like i saw him in front of me, the exact position yang dia duduk, dan cara dia cakap," you've changed a lot" exactly macam situation yg aku lalui. and i feel like, ... aku rasa. aku yang bersalah.. i keep blaming myself. i keep blaming myself. heikal left me for another girl sebab aku berubah. and, izmal told me i've changed.. but why do i feel like, i changed because of his behaviour?

2. slowly aku menangis, i dont want to feel anxious, but i started biting my nails. jari kanan. jari telunjuk, dan jari tengah. my body's shivering. my mind started to feel serabut, i keep blaming myself, while biting my nails. i started to hate myself. then i tried, ye aku cuba. aku cuba untuk bertenang. aku buka blog ni, dan up satu post. yes, the one that i posted earlier. i was having my mental broke down. but, i keep crying and start to pull my hair.

3. aku masih gigit kuku, kali ni aku menangis, my body's still shivering, dan aku cakar lengan aku. tangan kiri. aku buka post yang Ummar meninggal. 12 March 2014 punya post, semakin hampir Ummar nak meninggal, i feel like my body terserap dalam momen tu, i can see Ummar's face, muka Ummar yang lemah, I can see Ummar trying to smile masa tiub2 masuk berselirat kat hujung di. aku menangis, dada aku makin sesak. Tiba tiba terselang seli dengan suara pertama Ummar dan mata Ummar. dada aku sesak sangat. I was running out if breath, end up, aku muntah. Aku pergi lari pergi toilet dan muntah semuanya.

4. Dada aku tak boleh calm, aku jalan kehulu ke hilir, aku duduk depan pintu bilik, masa tu, mind aku separa kosong, aku pergi tingkap, aku tengok luar, dada aku sesak, heartbeat aku laju.

5. Then aku minum air, aku pergi toilet, cuci muka, dan masuk bilik.

Now I feel a lil bit at calm. Cuma, nafas aku kadang masih tak teratur.

So thats all for today's mentak breakdown.

58/365: It was my fault

Aku tak tahan. This anxious feeling, the voices inside my head, the urge to harm myself, I can't handle it anymore. Every single day, aku bangun, aku kuat kan diri. aku bagitau diri aku, hari ni aku mesti happy. aku mesti happy. aku takmahu happy dari orang lain. aku mahu aku happy dengan cara aku sendiri. every single day.

and today.......

aku terfikir, tak. aku teringat. its like relatable dgn apa yang aku lalui. I remember you told me. "you've changed a lot" and then you left me for other girl. the pain is still there, heikal. the pain is still there. aku masih sakit. all this while, i thought it was your fault. all the way, aku salahkan kau. kau yang berubah hati. kau yang berubah. but today someone makes me realise.. aku yang berubah.. aku yang berubah.. aku yang berubah.. aku yang berubah.. it was my fault to put the blame on you. aku yang berubah.

aku yang bersalah. aku yang berubah sampai kau tinggalkan aku. tiga tahun aku hidup dalam perasaan ni. perasaan ego aku. aku nak hidup.. aku nak hidup..... tapi hati aku mati..